I have a link to this blog at the top of my browser toolbar so that I am reminded of it daily. Every single day this week I looked at it and thought to myself "I should really update that at lunch" but every single day this week I was working through my lunch just as feverishly as I worked through the rest of the day.

Every week, though, gets a little bit better in some ways. I am CONSTANTLY learning with this job, and I'm grateful for that. It will be years before I feel like I know even the majority of what there is to know about teaching, but at least for now I'm making progress. My mentor teacher is a saint. This week she helped me see that I'm doing a great job for the amount of experience I have and the amount of hours in the day. She showed me that I"m on the right track and gave me practical advice for how to keep moving forward. I feel like I'm doing well. I'm using data to inform my teaching, I'm getting to know my students, I'm planning ahead and using the learning goals and objectives as a guide for how I plan. There are a thousand things that I didn't learn in my undergrad or during student teaching that I'm picking up as I go along. I guess that's the way it should be.

In the meantime, I have a laundry list of things to do. I love working on the north side because I have tomorrow off for Yom Kippur :-) A whole day off to work on school stuff.....

I'm rather embarrassed that my previous post was on the weekend as well, but I suppose it serves as an appropriate representation of just how busy I have been this week.

In a long conversation over dinner with my good friend Miss G. (her first year teacher blog can be found here) I got the detox I have so sorely needed all week. Therefore, this blog will be less complaining and more of a recap of the kind of things I've been dealing with this week. Consider yourselves lucky!!! Let's shoot for highs and lows:

Highs
-Making the decision to bring in the social worker to help me work through a problem with my challenge student, and making a HUGE breakthrough, such that he behaved and really worked hard for the rest of the week.
-My teammate, Liz, telling me that she thinks that so far I'm "rocking" my first year. That meant so much to me.
-My mentor teaching me to stand up for myself, and helping me remember that I AM A PROFESSIONAL! I am capable, competent, and perfectly ready to drive the train, instead of running after it.
-Seeing other new teachers (to the district, not to teaching) in the hallway at 6:30am and other ungodly times throughout the day with the same look on their face that I have most of the time.
-Phone conversation with a parent who is NOT crazy. She may be the only one in my class.
-Leaving the building by 3:15 on Friday. Can you say rock star?!

LOWS
-Confronting a student who is generally well behaved about calling someone "special ed" and intending for it to be hurtful
-Feeling like I'm picking on the girl in my class who is totally clueless and is never doing what she is supposed to be doing
-Another girl in my class getting a VERY low score on her Reading NWEA test and having to worry about how the parents will react
-Feeling inadequate about keeping up with everything on my mental list
-The email from a parent who said she was going to observe my classroom for an ENTIRE SCHOOL DAY. And then after my carefully crafted response that in teacherese basically said: NO F^$&*%$ WAY LADY, she wrote back and said "I"ll come in for Math on Tuesday. Perhaps we can start with that." And realizing that I was being bullied.
-Not sleeping/waking up 3 times every single night because I'm dreaming about school
-Feeling bogged down by the realization that I am responsible for preparing these kids for middle school, and that in so many ways they are barely prepared for fifth grade

If you take nothing else from this email, let it be this: Teaching is very very very very hard. It's exhausting, and frustrating, and painful, and it makes you beat yourself up every single day because you know that there are a thousand more things that you SHOULD OR COULD be doing, but you CAN'T because you are too physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted at the end of the day. Every day I play a hundred roles: mother, teacher, babysitter, mediator, secretary, administrator, psychologist, social worker, friend, coworker, leader, guide............

I love what I do, but the first year has already (at the fourth week of school, no less) shown me exactly how people burn out of this profession. No matter how good my cooperating teacher was, or how successful my student teaching, or that I graduated with honors - none of it could have truly prepared me for what I face every day. I just keep learning and refining my understanding, and hopefully one day soon I will be able to sit down at my desk at the end of the day and not have to catch my breath.

Ah, the weekend :-D

Today has been so relaxing, and not because I haven't done anything, but because I have done it at my own pace. There is no schedule to follow, no meetings to get to, no bells ringing to tell me I'm out of time. I don't have seventeen kids shouting my name all at once, I'm not running down the hallway because I have to make copies, and I'm NOT working through my lunch.

It is Saturday. Saturdays are wonderful :-)

On another note: We hosted Curriculum night this week on Thursday, and it was a huge success! The parents were kind, supportive, good listeners. Many of them came up to me and gave me great compliments and praise about how the year has begun, and the positive changes they've experienced from last year to this year. The parents are my second biggest critics (next to myself, of course) and I'm glad to know they are feeling comfortable with my choices in the classroom.

My neighbor at school told me that last year the parents in my class were very quiet, and that the previous teacher was under the impression that this group of parents was rather uninvolved - not uncaring, mind you, but not too in your face. Au contraire! my friend. I am now receiving DAILY emails from parents. So far I have only experienced one "scary" phone call, but was able to smooth things over without any violence on her part. However, they're definitely involved this year. Maybe it's because they know I'll listen? Because they know I'll make every effort to do what they ask? Because they feel I'm competent and professional and will do my absolute best to meet their students' needs?

Let's hope it's the last one.

I'm a total slacker.....but only in the blogging sense.

Things at school have been ridiculously busy, but I am finally feeling like I've found a rhythm. I'm able to look ahead and plan farther in advance. I'm using my resources (people and materials) to answer my questions and improve my teaching. I'm still feeling exhausted when I wake up, and dreaming about school (usually waking up at least once because of it) but I'm feeling less "burned out" when the kids leave at 2:30.

I would have to say that this week my kids have made great improvements in their behavior. They are a needy group- always getting out of their seats (without considering if it's an appropriate time) to ask questions that I've usually answered already. I find myself repeating directions more than once, writing them down, and referring kids to them over and over. While this is tedious, I'm already seeing a change. The kids are starting to consider whether their question is one that is crucial and requires an immediate answer, or whether they can answer it themselves or leave it on a post-it note. I'm trying to make them more independent, and I think that by Thanksgiving (HOPEFULLY) they will have it down.

Schedules are always thrown off at the beginning of the year with testing. As benchmark tests and standardized tests are administered, we have to give up teaching time. So far, that's ok with me, because the information I get from those tests will help me figure out how to meet their needs better. In the mean time, however, I have a lot of space to fill, so here's to thinking on your feet!

I know I've been slacking with pictures. I'll get there, promise.

This morning I had my first of what will be monthly new teacher meetings. This weekend I wrote my sub plans for the afternoon, then promptly re-wrote them last night to calm a colleague who was freaking out about missing the morning because he was afraid his fourth graders couldn't handle a sub for the literacy block.

So, I arrived at school at 6:30 (this is becoming normal. That scares me.) to get some (more) work done before I had to be at my new teacher meeting at 8:30. Of course, I had everything prepared for the sub the night before, thinking that I would be able to sleep in and go straight to the new teacher meeting at 8:30. Unfortunately, I chickened out and opted to work for an hour before school, rather than staying at school till after 5pm 2 days in a row. I stayed till 4, and am considering that a rock star move.

While the meeting wasn't necessarily as productive or relaxing as the administration advertised it to be, it was a welcome break from the classroom. The first few weeks are undeniably stressful, overwhelming, and frustrating. There are so many questions that lack answers, lists upon lists of things that you still need to accomplish, and voices in your head that are constantly reminding you of what you're not doing, but should be. It's truly exhausting, but a morning away from the children made 100% of a difference. When I came back in the afternoon and they were actually happy to see me, it made me remember what I had nearly forgotten in the first week: I love kids, and I love teaching.

Just a brief respite helped me get my bearings and think about what has gone well and what needs improvement. It helped me prioritize and brought to light the ways in which I am already ahead. In the first weeks, and first months, to be fair, it is ALL about baby steps. I've mentioned this before, but it is rapidly becoming my mantra. Accept that big things don't come immediately. Big accomplishments are the product of countless baby steps, especially for teachers.

Oh, and among other little victories today, I survived my first scary parent phone call. This particular parent is known to be rather intense, and her voicemail was down right frightening. I was literally shaking after listening to it. But I did my homework before calling back, thought through her concern and figured out an answer. I was an active listener and asked how I could help, thanked her so much for calling, and ended the conversation by telling her what strides her son has made since last year. She actually thanked me, told me that my explanation made perfect sense, and we hung up on very good terms. Perhaps I have won the trust of this parent. It gives me confidence that I do have the skills to win the trust of many more :-)

Although I am at the point where I really should be in bed, I thought an update was in order:

This week the kids are starting to show their fifth grade tendencies. Think about a ten year old you know. Yep, that's right. He or She can be a very snotty kid sometimes. Other times they can be the coolest kid you know. At this point, my students are starting to push the limits. I assume that some of this has to do with typical control issues that every new teacher faces. The other half of it has to do with what the kids were used to last year. I run a much tighter ship than their previous teacher, and the adjustment phase is just now starting to kick in. I'm really trying hard to accept that baby steps will have to do, and I'm trying equally as hard to celebrate little victories and ignore the frustrations for the moment.

With a concrete schedule, meeting dates for my mentor and instructional coach settled, and my desk cleared off of first week paper mania, I'm doing ok. I have to have a substitute tomorrow morning while I attend my first mandatory professional development meeting. Can you believe it?! Professional development and I haven't even been in the classroom for a full week! I can only hope that my sub plans are sufficient, and that those darling children behave themselves....

Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat.