A new week at school, and the kids came back with their memories intact. Good things about today:

- I started reading and responding the letters kids wrote to me and learned 2 things - 4th graders need a lot of work on their spelling (some even write lowercase b's and d's!), and these kids have a very good knowledge of sentence structure especially compared to fifth graders

- I have some sensitive kids in my room. I have to remember that I'm dealing with little innocent personalities here. They are not the hardened snotty kids from last year.

- The kids read for 20 minutes before anyone looked away from their books. We're on our way to good stamina!

- During that 20 minutes I was able to look ahead and make some reasonable goals for getting my literacy block where it needs to be this year. I'm pretty proud of that :-)

- 4th graders smile a lot. And when they do, I remember why I wanted to do this in the first place.

I survived the first week!!!

...and I still want to go back :-)

This is a feat that I never imagined. Honestly. After the turmoil of my first year - and no, I am NOT exaggerating - it is hard for me to believe that I am actually enjoying this as much as I am. I have a really great group of kids. It's been only 4 days and I already have a few favorites. By the end of the year last year, there were very few students that I was sad to see go. That should never be the case. If you've bonded properly with your class and you've formed good relationships and a strong community I would expect that you would be a little sad to see them leave you. All ups and downs aside, you still really care about those kids.

Last year I just never achieved that bond. It was a rough group, to be sure, but there were so many outside factors contributing to my frustration throughout the year. Put that together with being a first year teacher in a district that believes firmly in teacher autonomy with no set reading or writing curriculum and you get one disheveled, angry, stressed out Katy.

A long summer of nothing but mindless television really did wonders for my attitude. And here I am, actually enjoying my job again. But don't get any ideas. I was still very ready for Friday.

A few highlights from the week:
1. 4th graders have such infectious smiles. When they are happy, it spreads over their whole face. Not to mention that they are so little and eager to please their teacher. They. are. adorable.

2. I made a reference to the tv show "icarly" yesterday when I was talking to them about their reading contracts. I think I said "If you don't read your goal of 100 minutes this week because you were too busy watching the latest icarly episode, that is not a good excuse!" I had them ROLLING in the aisles. hysterical.

3. I never stayed at work past 4pm this week, and I have decent plans for next week. I've transitioned well and I'm embracing some new ideas this year. I started teaching the foundation lessons for the Daily 5 (which is a dream. You're right Miss G!) and I've slowed myself down a bit to get all the routines and such established. It's my nature to want to rush through all this because I feel like I'm supposed to be teaching "real" content right off the bat. That just isn't so. Even my principal mentioned to another girl on my team that she doesn't expect us to be teaching content until October! All these routines and procedures and classroom community building activities are far more important at this point. All of these set the stage for a great year, and for more efficient work later on.

4. I really like my new team members. I was so sad to see 2 of my closest coworkers go at the end of last year. I had some survivor's guilt due to the way things went down on our team. HOWEVER, my new mini-team members seem to share my teaching philosophy, and we have begun a great relationship where we have great communication. It is especially nice because they are not as established in their own routines, and we are all a little bit more in the same boat of not knowing exactly how we want to proceed with everything. We have made plenty of group decisions, and I no longer feel like I"m a burden. If anything, they look to me for guidance - this is crazy, but it's working.

So......yay! first week, check!

First day of school.

Let me just put it this way: it is 4:09 and I am blogging. That means that I have already prepared for tomorrow's class, tied up some loose ends, commuted, and settled in to watch Barefoot Contessa on the food network.

Last year at this time, I was still at school running around like a crazy and trying to figure out what the heck I was supposed to do next. I think I stayed at school till 5pm for the first month because I didn't know how to manage everything there was to do. I think it's safe to say that this year will be a little different :-) I remarked to my teacher friend Miss G. (you can find her teacher blog here) that I feel so much more in control, and felt that way all day. I had a laundry list of things to get through, and I didn't get through them all. I felt ok about this at the end of the day because I know that the first month is all about getting things set for the year. I changed gears easily as I noticed the kids needed a break here and there and added and subtracted things on my list with ease!

Now please, don't misunderstand - I'm not a master teacher. I'm not even that GOOD at it yet! But having a sense of calm and being able to maintain it is something more than I can say for most days last year.

I'm excited about my class too. The kids were well-behaved, polite, and got along well. They were good listeners and participated when I asked them to. Now, of course, it's the first day and they're too nervous to act out, but I'm hoping that by setting the stage with clear expectations, they will not be shocked when I turn into a mean teacher ;-)

I hope there's more good to come!

The first year of teaching is hard.

I think that everyone handles the difficulty of the first year differently. It must depend on where the challenges lie, the frequency with which they arise, and how people rise to the occasion to help you.

My first year of teaching was pretty hard. Maybe you got that impression when I stopped writing this year. But now I'm approaching the point where I'm ready to try again. I always wanted to be a teacher. It's the only thing I ever anticipated becoming, and now that I'm there I'm not about to shrink away before I've given it a fair shot. It's what I'm built for, and because of that I am getting ready to try again. New year. New staff. New kids. New curriculum. New ATTITUDE.

A friend of mine recently told me she read my blog and it scared her a little. She's studying to be a teacher too. This just reinforced for me how important it is that I approach this year with renewed strength and perseverance. I know I can do it, and I know I can do it better than last year.

It's been a while, I know. But it's that time of year.......


ISAT PREP


ew. I hate it.

Now, before I get crazy complaining about it, I have to say I have it better than most. But here's my big dilemma: My school has no reading curriculum. Without a curriculum, it makes it extraordinarily difficult for a brand spankin' new teacher to know what the hell to teach. So imagine my dismay when we started all this nonsense a couple of weeks ago and I realized that I had not explicitly taught the skills my students needed to be successful on these tests! Ah, the joys of teaching.....??

On a positive note, I think I wrote recently about re-formatting my literacy block. Let me tell you, it turned out AWESOME. I have had the most productive month of reading. Every kid has a schedule that they know how to follow. They have all the expectations laid out for them in a weekly packet (that is low stress to create). There is exactly one assignment that needs to be completed for a grade every day (but I only grade 2 assignments a week) and the kids are not allowed to ask me any questions (aka they must be independent workers!) until the 3rd 20 minute period of the block. I have students working independently, in small groups, reading and writing, working with words and creating meaning, reading in guided groups with me, all simultaneously!

I'm just really proud is what I think I mean to say. I created meaning and purpose in a non-existent curriculum. I gave students direction and they have said to me over and over how much they enjoy the new schedule. I don't feel stressed out anymore because it's easy to plan and the kids are doing what they are supposed to. It's pretty great :-)

And things are going well in general I suppose. So.....yay!

Yes, it has been a very long time since I've written anything, and I'm sure that many of you have stopped reading because you think I've given up on blogging.

Not so! I'm sure December has been as busy for everyone else as it has for me, and I must say that there have been many distractions keeping me from updating the public at large about my teaching experiences.

The last month was full of ups and downs. I've said before that teaching is a very emotional job. One moment you can be pleased as punch with a fabulous lesson and the next minute your students are bullying each other and you feel completely helpless. Then after lunch you give a quiz and they all do well, but by the end of the day you find out that your problem kid, who has been so good so far this week, just punched another kid on the playground.

this is my life now.

In honor of the holiday season and all its good cheer, I'll keep this post positive. Despite my overwhelming shortcomings as a teacher (and yes, that's fair to say because all first year teachers are behind the curve - it's only natural!) I am making great progress this year. Though I haven't begun them yet....oops...I have a lot of projects planned for the break. I have completely restructured my reading block. On a whim one day I had an idea of how to put it together, and I went with it. By the end of the day I had a beautiful plan and brought it to the reading specialist who was very impressed with it. It provides me with a more clearly structured way to prepare reading lessons for the week, incorporates specific time to teach spelling concepts and other grammar points, allows time for writing, gives plenty of time for guided reading, and makes it a cinch to know what homework to assign. I'm really excited about it and I think it will be good for me and for the kids. At this point I just need to think through the actual action plan, and it should be ready for kickoff on Jan. 4th when we come back.

I also have a space unit to plan for science. And I want to figure out a way to incorporate more guided math into my math block. These are ambitious tasks, but as I explained to a colleague before I left, I'm tired of sitting around feeling like I don't know what I'm doing. I know I can handle this and I want to keep improving because I can! I hate that cycle that is so easy to enter as a teacher. You know the one - You get a handle on most things but there are things about the curriculum that kind of bug you and you don't quite know how to fix it and your kids are mostly taken care of but the ones that have extra needs aren't really getting them met, but you're giving about all you feel like so you guess it's ok......

I hate it. So I'm not doing it anymore. I'm going to keep growing. I'm working hard to be better. I want to finish this year feeling very successful, even if my kids are particularly difficult and their parents are in my face and I'm overwhelmed. I'm determined to keep improving little by little, one subject at a time.

Merry Christmas and HAPPY VACATION!!

I have been bad about updating in the last couple weeks, but today was a big day, so I figured I would share.

Today was the day I had the meeting with the big bad parents who called my principal 2 weeks ago and reported (more like screamed about) me being sexist and gender biased. I'm pretty sure only 2 people read this blog and one of them knows the situation, but for those unaware, here's how it went down:

I have a kid in my class who is particularly spacey, and her step-mother is particularly fierce. I made a comment on her weekly report and used the word "flirting" which set this woman on the rampage. She was SO incredibly disgusted that she refused to speak directly to me and demanded a meeting with me and the principal. So today was that meeting.

It was really rough, and I haven't been feeling well all day, and I was dreading this meeting for the last two weeks so I went in very nervous about it, but in the end it was ok. I was shaking and nervous, but I handled myself well and acted as the bigger person. When the woman started to attack me my principal stepped in and commended me for my maturity at such a young age and reminded this lady that this is my FIRST year of teaching and that I don't have a lot of life experience to help me prevent "mistakes" such as these. She praised me for not getting defensive and for using this as a learning experience, subtly sending the message to this parent to lay off me.

The meeting ended on somewhat of a positive note with me directing the focus to the fact that the student in question is improving quite a bit and that progress has been made.

As soon as my principal closed the door behind them, she turned around and looked at me and said "It's ok, you can cry now" and BOY DID I. I was so overwhelmed and relieved at the same time. This was a very direct attack on my character, with this woman chiding me for having a closed mind and "respectfully requesting" that I open my mind if I intend to work with children. My principal told me that she was glad she never had to deal with something as difficult as that when she was a first year teacher, and that she was proud of me for the way I handled myself and took all the blame.

Anyway, it was a rough afternoon, but I'm very glad to be able to put this behind me. Now I know that in a district like mine you really have to watch your back, and you have to be willing to make a lot of compromises to prevent getting defensive. It's a crazy world full of irrational and angry people, but teachers will always have to be patient and find a way to work as a team.

Happy Thanksgiving, and here's to a LONG WEEKEND!!!

On Friday I admitted defeat.

By Thursday evening I was totally wiped out. I had next to no voice, but I rarely (if ever?) lose it completely. I figured I'd be fine on Friday morning, and convinced myself that the best possible option was to go to school.

WRONG.

Turns out my voice did not magically regenerate overnight. In fact, it got worse, and by Friday morning about all I could manage was a faint whisper. Did that deter me, you ask? WHY NO! of course not.... If it weren't for my stupid computer not being able to connect to the internet, nobody would have been the wiser. But alas, I was found out, and promptly sent home (before the kids even got there). I was at school for about 2 hours writing lesson plans and getting my computer looked at before I made the commute home again. I spent the day in bed, and now the lost voice has improved quite a bit, but I have a nasty cough. :-( boo.

Anyway, it's a good thing I took the extra day, because the upcoming weeks will prove to be very stressful. Report card grades and comments are due on Wednesday, and I have not even begun to do that. All of my grades for the trimester are in my gradebook, but to be honest, I don't even know what comes next. Thank goodness for helpful teammates who will guide me through the next steps. Besides report cards, the holidays are coming up, which means we have to wrap up what we're working on so that there are no loose ends at break time. I'm going to Arizona for Thanksgiving, so I'm going to have to get ready for that (traveling on the craziest day of the year = totally stupid) but I'm super excited.

This teacher thing can take a lot out of you. Note to self: listen to your body. Don't push it. GET WELL!!!

Halloween.

Helloween.

Hell.

wowoowowowowowowowowow. I now have a new-found appreciation for my elementary school teachers.

I am a firm believer that school should be fun for kids. When people have fun doing their job, they are generally more productive and morale is higher. The same thing applies to kids, but in an even greater sense. If they are totally bored and not enjoying what they are learning, then they won't retain nearly as much as when they are having some fun during the school day.

That said, Halloween is an f-ing crazy holiday to celebrate in school. Here's why:
1. There isn't much that is academic about Halloween. Sure, we can teach about the history of it and its origins, but this can only be taken so far. Plus, let's be real here, that has absolutely NOTHING to do with how Halloween is celebrated now, so it has no authentic context for the kids to relate to.
2. Classroom teachers have a LOT of responsibility. When you are the student, you don't realize all of the thousands of things running through a teacher's brain at all times. Between doing a head count every 5 minutes, running through the list of unique needs of each child, and keeping your eyes peeled to see which kids are off task, you're a very busy person. Oh, and did I mention you have to teach and be clear and answer all kinds of questions and be PATIENT at the same time? Yeah. So, throw into the mix 22 kids who are not at all focused on school for an entire morning, the promise of a party in the afternoon, and the need to supervise 7 classes of 24 students changing into costumes in 3 bathroom stalls ALL AT ONCE......yeah.
3. The parents. Oh lord have mercy. Everyone wants to be there to celebrate important moments with their child. But these are 5th graders. They've done this now for 11 years, and the parties dont' change much. I had upwards of 7 parents in my room for 2 hours in the afternoon. That sounds nice doesn't it? Except that in that neighborhood, you have to be careful what you say, how you address the kids, what you leave out on your desk - because they will find things and they will scrutinize and they will bash you on the soccer field.

Yeah, so Halloween is hell for teachers.

Other than that, I'm happy to report that it was a pretty good week. I have my second meeting with my principal next week, our first field trip (to the Lyric Opera!), a full day SMARTboard training, and a pretty serious meeting involving one of my kids, his parents, the principal, the social worker, and the kid's psychiatrist.

It's going to be an interesting week.

To steal a favorite phrase from my teacher friend Amy, I teach for moments like this:

Parent/Teacher/Student conferences begin today after school and continue into tomorrow (all day long....). In an effort to prepare the kids for this, I had each of them fill out a goals sheet, and I've met with them each individually so that we can talk through the goals and discuss how they'll meet them. These have been really good experiences so far because it's rare that I get to touch base for any length of time with each kid in my class. Today, however, I took about a half hour to explain the structure of the conferences with the whole class so that they would know what to expect. Our conversation turned into an AMAZING moment where kids were sharing their personal worries about grades and disappointing parents and thinking that their best isn't enough to please the people that they love.

Some highlights:
- "European parents are VERY serious about school"
- A student sharing with me privately afterwards that she overheard her parents saying that they need to focus on giving their kids the best education possible so the kids can take care of the parents when they are old.
- Kids responding like somebody finally UNDERSTOOD them when I told them that it is normal for them to have new reactions, extreme emotions, and relationship changes at this age
- Seeing my kids relate to each other in a personal way that I haven't seen before.

It was as if all of a sudden it was just our class, that we were in it for the long haul. Just before sending them out to recess, I told them that for me, their best is enough. I shared that I have similar worries, but I worry about disappointing their parents, the principal, and them, my kids. I said "I'm going to give you my best every single day, and I know that you are going to give me your best in return" AND THEY APPLAUDED ME.

I teach for moments like this :-)

Today was one of those days that you look back on that think "no wonder the burnout rate for teachers is so high."

If I look at the day as a whole and focus on the children, I would say that today was a pretty good one. Book clubs went beautifully, and thank goodness because I had invited the principal to join us (since we can't seem to get her anywhere near the classroom unless she has an engraved invitation). The students were insightful, I was productive, and I even closed the lesson with a reader's response - which I've been slowly trying to incorporate to get them to practice quality writing (believe me, they need it!). I gave a math test, and there were very few questions, and not nearly as many pained faces as the last test I gave. They asked great questions in science - a few that were more advanced than my knowledge (aka, my ultimate fear as a science teacher, and something that occurs far too often).

But the problem was that today I was not able to focus on the children. Today was taken away from me by a parent.

You see, I have this kid in my room who is a worrier. He's got anxiety as a fifth grader. And supposedly it's anxiety that is crippling - like tantrum style, can't function. But the kid I see in class is composed, involved, participatory, and productive.

His mother, on the other hand, displays far more of these symptoms of anxiety than her son. There have been several (yes, several, and we have only had 7 weeks of school) incidents this year in which I have received a phone call (or multiple phone calls!!!) during the school day that I have stopped teaching in order to answer to listen to this parent tell me that her child is very upset, worried that I'm going to be mad, trying desperately to get him to calm down and "our priority is to get him to school" and "he's so worried that this will affect his grade."

Now, the only information I ever received about this child was from his mother. We talked before the year started about his anxiety and that sometimes he gets worried about things. I explained my personal experience with anxiety in school, thinking that this was a totally normal part of being a type A personality. Well now that I'm 7 weeks in, I'm finding out that mom totally downplayed the issue. Apparently this child has been diagnosed by a doctor as having anxiety and he is on medication that is being tweaked. But did his mother tell me any of this so I could make appropriate accomodations and provide him tools to be more successful? NO NO NO NO NO. In fact, she STILL HASN'T SAID A DAMN WORD TO ME!!


I am going to stop writing about this because it has raised my blood pressure. But I have to say that as a teacher, if anyone is going to make me feel like I want to cry before 7:45 in the morning, it should not be a parent. I have teacher friends that are dealing with children that make them cry, but I am not allowed to focus on the kids in my room because of the selfishness of one parent. There is so much more to this story. I could probably tell it over a period of hours. But seriously.

Seriously.

This time I'm at school. 2 blogs on weekdays in a row? Unheard of!

I just wanted to mention something about the level of emotion involved in my job:

This morning I woke up feeling energized. I usually stop for coffee on Friday mornings as a weekly treat, (and because tea doesn't cut it by the end of the week) but I didn't stop this morning - opting instead for a naked juice, yogurt, and an apple.

I got to school and got right to work getting things ready. After such a good day yesterday, I was ready to go!

....and then I started grading papers.

There is nothing more depressing than realizing that what you're doing may not be as effective as you had hoped. This is the case for teachers so often I can hardly measure. I have so much emotion invested in these kids and their success, and when they don't do well it doesn't just irritate me, it actually hurts. It has put me in a mood that matches the crappy weather outside my windows. It's days like these that I wonder how in the world I'll ever be able to do enough for these kids this year. With the little experience I possess, and the incredible amount I have left to learn through trial and error, I worry that there will be kids in here that get let down because of me.

It is rare that I will write in the middle of the week, but I have had a very good day and thought I should share:

It all started this morning when the kids came in and got right to work without ANY prompting from me. This is rare, and they did it so quietly and efficiently. Got right to the morning routine and were sitting in their desks working on the morning message. I loved it :-)

After that nice quiet start, I did a shared reading lesson that I had come up with while lying in my bed last night. At the moment I'm reading The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid a memoir by Bill Bryson. The book is all about Bryson's life growing up in the 1950s, and it is hysterical. The part I was reading last night, however, tied in to a conversation we had begun the day before in shared reading about natural disasters. Bryson was describing the conditions of a particular tornado his grandparents experienced in rural Iowa, and it provided me with a lightbulb moment. After my training on shared reading on Monday (provided by the district as a part of our new teacher professional development) I knew that I could choose any text, regardless of level, and use it to teach a variety of lessons.

So this morning I prepared photocopies for my kids and decided I would talk about accessing background knowledge to help us understand what we're reading. IT WAS AWESOME!! The kids were with me, they loved Bryson's writing style, and they got excited about the fact that they could read and comprehend an "adult" book.

I went on later that morning to call all 3 of my guided reading groups- no small feat when you don't have a curriculum and you've never practiced teaching guided reading before.

This afternoon was similarly productive. I had a great math class in which the kids worked independently for the majority of the hour and we reviewed together at the end. I was able to finish calling small groups to pre-assess, and able to gather information about how they're getting this unit via a warm-up worksheet.

The kids are also getting really excited about the next science unit. I'm really shocked at how much I'm enjoying science all of a sudden. It's so refreshing to be able to take the content at a slower pace, pick and choose what I feel is important, and to get invigorated about the processes all around us that are so phenomenally complicated and intricate. Our next unit is on weather, and we watched a video that got us all in the mood to be scientists. Being a weather man is like being James Bond with all those gadgets - and the kids think that's way cool!

And then after sitting in traffic for an hour, I sat down at the table for dinner and planned an entire week without cracking a book. What that means is that I'm figuring it out. The planning is becoming more natural. I don't need lesson plans anymore because I'm teaching with the end in mind. I know what the goals are and so do my students, so I direct all of my instruction toward accomplishing those specific goals. When it's all laid out for me, it makes it so much easier to decide what to do and how to do it.

Isn't it great when you feel like you just might finally know what you're doing? I'm happy to say that I'll be able to go away this weekend without worrying about not being prepared for next week. Yay for progress!!!

I feel like this blog is negative a great deal of the time, so this week I'd like to focus on the positive. Fortunately, there are several things I could talk about (yay!!! finally!!!) so let's get to it:

I had my first evaluation meeting this week. My district uses the Danielson framework as the model for staff evaluations, which dictates that the evaluation process should be an ongoing dialogue between the staff member and the principal. I prepared thoroughly by going through all 4 domains that I was required to provide evidence for with my instructional coach the day before, and I had post-it notes everywhere (reminding myself of the Ferg). My principal arrived and basically said "Just tell me everything." So I did. I talked for a good 25 minutes, pointing out evidence in my classroom as I went along and providing examples as she asked me questions. I felt it was a really productive time for a few reasons:

1. It helped me uncover all of my accomplishments. I have done A LOT of really good work so far this year, and I continue to refine and improve my practices.
2. My principal seemed impressed with the amount of evidence I was able to provide, and she warned me not to take on too much - that I was doing a great job already and that I shouldn't push it.
3. It gave me a way to think through my goals for the short and long term and prioritize a bit.

I also learned this week that I know my students a little bit better than I originally thought. Because of the overwhelming nature of a first-year teaching job, I feel more scatterbrained than I ever have in my entire life. If you know me even a little bit, you know that I am a very orderly, routine-oriented, goal setter. I know what I'm doing, how, and why, well in advance. Teaching has proven to be a very different experience, however. I find it very hard to focus on any one thing, because in a classroom full of 5th graders there are always at least 5 things that require my attention. And don't even get me started on how much there is to remember. I have post-it notes EVERYWHERE (again, I'm turning into Ferg). Despite all this, I was able to fill out mid-term reports with a higher level of confidence about my knowledge of my students' progress than I thought possible. It turned out to be a very nice exercise - forcing me to stop and reflect on each student individually. It also gave me an idea of the strengths and weaknesses of the group. Now that I trust myself to have a handle on the kids, I"m not nearly as nervous about communicating with parents because I definitely have something to say about each kid.

We are at a point of transition in fifth grade this month. We are starting new books in reading, a new math unit, a new science unit, wrapping up a writing assignment.... So, naturally, I am using this as an opportunity to up the ante in the area of expectations. I explained to the kids that work that is less than quality (quality being something we defined as a class) will be graded and returned with the requirement of corrections. I will not be allowing students to make corrections for points back, rather they must correct their mistakes for the good of the exercise. I explained to them that it is time to start turning in fifth grade work, now that they have been fifth graders for a full month. The results? Great so far! It seems like I made at least a small impact. The homework I graded so far this weekend has been much closer to what I expect to see. Now if only I could get these kids to TURN IN THEIR WORK ON TIME (or at all) with names written on their papers. It's the little things.....

And finally, some teacher moments:

• We started book clubs this week, and had our first group meetings on Friday. The kids were amazing. They were excited about their books and totally focused on the task at hand. They were inquisitive and eager to solve the mysteries, even after reading only the first 2 chapters. I love literature circles because they put full responsibility into the hands of the students, and let them explore books on their own terms. It's awesome.
• I've been grading personal writing journals from last month. The kids have to write 8-10 pages each month - and they can write ANYTHING they want. One of my girls wrote a 13 page story about me and included everyone in our class. Her writing was superb, and the story was awesome. With just enough fifth grade goofiness, she wrote about my birthday. On that day I didn't come to school, and through the magical powers of unicorns (....she is a fifth grader after all) they discovered that I was writing my letter of resignation because I felt like the kids didn't appreciate or respect me. To prevent me from this crazy act, they threw a surprise birthday party in my backyard featuring the musical stylings of Michael Jackson. It. Was. Awesome.

So that's that folks. Yes, there are still many worries weighing on me where school is concerned, but I'm finally getting a handle on this. For one thing, I was able to plan the ENTIRE week (all the subjects!) and do some grading, aaaannnnnndddd write a blog post, all before bedtime! Maybe I can handle this after all....

I have a link to this blog at the top of my browser toolbar so that I am reminded of it daily. Every single day this week I looked at it and thought to myself "I should really update that at lunch" but every single day this week I was working through my lunch just as feverishly as I worked through the rest of the day.

Every week, though, gets a little bit better in some ways. I am CONSTANTLY learning with this job, and I'm grateful for that. It will be years before I feel like I know even the majority of what there is to know about teaching, but at least for now I'm making progress. My mentor teacher is a saint. This week she helped me see that I'm doing a great job for the amount of experience I have and the amount of hours in the day. She showed me that I"m on the right track and gave me practical advice for how to keep moving forward. I feel like I'm doing well. I'm using data to inform my teaching, I'm getting to know my students, I'm planning ahead and using the learning goals and objectives as a guide for how I plan. There are a thousand things that I didn't learn in my undergrad or during student teaching that I'm picking up as I go along. I guess that's the way it should be.

In the meantime, I have a laundry list of things to do. I love working on the north side because I have tomorrow off for Yom Kippur :-) A whole day off to work on school stuff.....

I'm rather embarrassed that my previous post was on the weekend as well, but I suppose it serves as an appropriate representation of just how busy I have been this week.

In a long conversation over dinner with my good friend Miss G. (her first year teacher blog can be found here) I got the detox I have so sorely needed all week. Therefore, this blog will be less complaining and more of a recap of the kind of things I've been dealing with this week. Consider yourselves lucky!!! Let's shoot for highs and lows:

Highs
-Making the decision to bring in the social worker to help me work through a problem with my challenge student, and making a HUGE breakthrough, such that he behaved and really worked hard for the rest of the week.
-My teammate, Liz, telling me that she thinks that so far I'm "rocking" my first year. That meant so much to me.
-My mentor teaching me to stand up for myself, and helping me remember that I AM A PROFESSIONAL! I am capable, competent, and perfectly ready to drive the train, instead of running after it.
-Seeing other new teachers (to the district, not to teaching) in the hallway at 6:30am and other ungodly times throughout the day with the same look on their face that I have most of the time.
-Phone conversation with a parent who is NOT crazy. She may be the only one in my class.
-Leaving the building by 3:15 on Friday. Can you say rock star?!

LOWS
-Confronting a student who is generally well behaved about calling someone "special ed" and intending for it to be hurtful
-Feeling like I'm picking on the girl in my class who is totally clueless and is never doing what she is supposed to be doing
-Another girl in my class getting a VERY low score on her Reading NWEA test and having to worry about how the parents will react
-Feeling inadequate about keeping up with everything on my mental list
-The email from a parent who said she was going to observe my classroom for an ENTIRE SCHOOL DAY. And then after my carefully crafted response that in teacherese basically said: NO F^$&*%$ WAY LADY, she wrote back and said "I"ll come in for Math on Tuesday. Perhaps we can start with that." And realizing that I was being bullied.
-Not sleeping/waking up 3 times every single night because I'm dreaming about school
-Feeling bogged down by the realization that I am responsible for preparing these kids for middle school, and that in so many ways they are barely prepared for fifth grade

If you take nothing else from this email, let it be this: Teaching is very very very very hard. It's exhausting, and frustrating, and painful, and it makes you beat yourself up every single day because you know that there are a thousand more things that you SHOULD OR COULD be doing, but you CAN'T because you are too physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted at the end of the day. Every day I play a hundred roles: mother, teacher, babysitter, mediator, secretary, administrator, psychologist, social worker, friend, coworker, leader, guide............

I love what I do, but the first year has already (at the fourth week of school, no less) shown me exactly how people burn out of this profession. No matter how good my cooperating teacher was, or how successful my student teaching, or that I graduated with honors - none of it could have truly prepared me for what I face every day. I just keep learning and refining my understanding, and hopefully one day soon I will be able to sit down at my desk at the end of the day and not have to catch my breath.

Ah, the weekend :-D

Today has been so relaxing, and not because I haven't done anything, but because I have done it at my own pace. There is no schedule to follow, no meetings to get to, no bells ringing to tell me I'm out of time. I don't have seventeen kids shouting my name all at once, I'm not running down the hallway because I have to make copies, and I'm NOT working through my lunch.

It is Saturday. Saturdays are wonderful :-)

On another note: We hosted Curriculum night this week on Thursday, and it was a huge success! The parents were kind, supportive, good listeners. Many of them came up to me and gave me great compliments and praise about how the year has begun, and the positive changes they've experienced from last year to this year. The parents are my second biggest critics (next to myself, of course) and I'm glad to know they are feeling comfortable with my choices in the classroom.

My neighbor at school told me that last year the parents in my class were very quiet, and that the previous teacher was under the impression that this group of parents was rather uninvolved - not uncaring, mind you, but not too in your face. Au contraire! my friend. I am now receiving DAILY emails from parents. So far I have only experienced one "scary" phone call, but was able to smooth things over without any violence on her part. However, they're definitely involved this year. Maybe it's because they know I'll listen? Because they know I'll make every effort to do what they ask? Because they feel I'm competent and professional and will do my absolute best to meet their students' needs?

Let's hope it's the last one.

I'm a total slacker.....but only in the blogging sense.

Things at school have been ridiculously busy, but I am finally feeling like I've found a rhythm. I'm able to look ahead and plan farther in advance. I'm using my resources (people and materials) to answer my questions and improve my teaching. I'm still feeling exhausted when I wake up, and dreaming about school (usually waking up at least once because of it) but I'm feeling less "burned out" when the kids leave at 2:30.

I would have to say that this week my kids have made great improvements in their behavior. They are a needy group- always getting out of their seats (without considering if it's an appropriate time) to ask questions that I've usually answered already. I find myself repeating directions more than once, writing them down, and referring kids to them over and over. While this is tedious, I'm already seeing a change. The kids are starting to consider whether their question is one that is crucial and requires an immediate answer, or whether they can answer it themselves or leave it on a post-it note. I'm trying to make them more independent, and I think that by Thanksgiving (HOPEFULLY) they will have it down.

Schedules are always thrown off at the beginning of the year with testing. As benchmark tests and standardized tests are administered, we have to give up teaching time. So far, that's ok with me, because the information I get from those tests will help me figure out how to meet their needs better. In the mean time, however, I have a lot of space to fill, so here's to thinking on your feet!

I know I've been slacking with pictures. I'll get there, promise.

This morning I had my first of what will be monthly new teacher meetings. This weekend I wrote my sub plans for the afternoon, then promptly re-wrote them last night to calm a colleague who was freaking out about missing the morning because he was afraid his fourth graders couldn't handle a sub for the literacy block.

So, I arrived at school at 6:30 (this is becoming normal. That scares me.) to get some (more) work done before I had to be at my new teacher meeting at 8:30. Of course, I had everything prepared for the sub the night before, thinking that I would be able to sleep in and go straight to the new teacher meeting at 8:30. Unfortunately, I chickened out and opted to work for an hour before school, rather than staying at school till after 5pm 2 days in a row. I stayed till 4, and am considering that a rock star move.

While the meeting wasn't necessarily as productive or relaxing as the administration advertised it to be, it was a welcome break from the classroom. The first few weeks are undeniably stressful, overwhelming, and frustrating. There are so many questions that lack answers, lists upon lists of things that you still need to accomplish, and voices in your head that are constantly reminding you of what you're not doing, but should be. It's truly exhausting, but a morning away from the children made 100% of a difference. When I came back in the afternoon and they were actually happy to see me, it made me remember what I had nearly forgotten in the first week: I love kids, and I love teaching.

Just a brief respite helped me get my bearings and think about what has gone well and what needs improvement. It helped me prioritize and brought to light the ways in which I am already ahead. In the first weeks, and first months, to be fair, it is ALL about baby steps. I've mentioned this before, but it is rapidly becoming my mantra. Accept that big things don't come immediately. Big accomplishments are the product of countless baby steps, especially for teachers.

Oh, and among other little victories today, I survived my first scary parent phone call. This particular parent is known to be rather intense, and her voicemail was down right frightening. I was literally shaking after listening to it. But I did my homework before calling back, thought through her concern and figured out an answer. I was an active listener and asked how I could help, thanked her so much for calling, and ended the conversation by telling her what strides her son has made since last year. She actually thanked me, told me that my explanation made perfect sense, and we hung up on very good terms. Perhaps I have won the trust of this parent. It gives me confidence that I do have the skills to win the trust of many more :-)

Although I am at the point where I really should be in bed, I thought an update was in order:

This week the kids are starting to show their fifth grade tendencies. Think about a ten year old you know. Yep, that's right. He or She can be a very snotty kid sometimes. Other times they can be the coolest kid you know. At this point, my students are starting to push the limits. I assume that some of this has to do with typical control issues that every new teacher faces. The other half of it has to do with what the kids were used to last year. I run a much tighter ship than their previous teacher, and the adjustment phase is just now starting to kick in. I'm really trying hard to accept that baby steps will have to do, and I'm trying equally as hard to celebrate little victories and ignore the frustrations for the moment.

With a concrete schedule, meeting dates for my mentor and instructional coach settled, and my desk cleared off of first week paper mania, I'm doing ok. I have to have a substitute tomorrow morning while I attend my first mandatory professional development meeting. Can you believe it?! Professional development and I haven't even been in the classroom for a full week! I can only hope that my sub plans are sufficient, and that those darling children behave themselves....

Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat.